The Song That Never Ends
by Pencil Neck
Summary: Um... It's something like a parody. But not quite. Some crossover with other fandoms, but nothing serious. Literally.


This is the Song that Doesn't End

Buffy Summers, who was completely normal and definitely not a superhero of any kind, walked down the bright and cheery suburban streets of Sunnydale, California to her best friend Willow's house. Willow was smart, and a redhead, and totally not a witch or anything. Buffy liked that Willow was normal because she herself was normal, although blonde.

_I'm glad Willow's my best friend, although she is very smart and a hacker. Oh, and Jewish!_ Buffy thought to herself. _Sunnydale would be so dull without her, seeing as nothing interesting or supernatural ever happens here._

Buffy reached the door of her best friend, Willow's house and knocked. The door was opened by Willow's mother, who smiled at the sight of the pretty blonde cheerleader.

"Good afternoon, Bunny!" Mrs. Rosenberg said, "I'm just on my way out. You two behave yourselves, and don't stay up too late tonight."

"We always behave ourselves." Buffy said, "We study, do our homework, then we eat ice cream and giggle over boys we think are cute. It's very fun, and also normal."

"Oh, to be a teenager again!" Mrs. Rosenberg sighed wistfully as she gathered her purse and coat. "I left money for pizza on the counter. Willow's up in her room."

Buffy ran up the stairs, barely noticing the door click shut as Mrs. Rosenberg left.

* * *

"_Harry!" Ron exclaimed, "I think I've found something! _

_Ron turned to Harry and Hermione, holding a large plum-coloured glowing lump._

"_Whoa." Harry stopped short. He seemed to instinctively know that he shouldn't touch it. "Ron, put it down. Put it down now!"_

_Hermione quickly took off her cloak wrapped it around the throbbing violet orb. She took it gently from Ron's grasp, and looked at them with exasperation._

"_I know what it is. It's the Ham Fisted Plot Device." She got that smug look that she got sometimes when she was feeling smug. Hermione closed her eyes and remembered word for word the passage she had read in a large and bewildering book about magic things that she had accidently but very conveniently picked up one time. "The Ham Fisted Plot Device is not particularly rare, but extremely dangerous. It's made up mostly of Purple Prose, which gives it its colour. It's other components are many, but includes a great deal of pork, which is not only good for adding filler, but also allows the person controlling the Ham Fisted Plot Device to create chaos and drama out of nothing. It was crafted in the shape of a fist, so that it may smash through any obstacle or conflict easily, in case the user is backed into a corner."_

"_Sounds like it could be useful." Ron shrugged, trying to peek under Hermione's cloak. _

"_No, Ron." Harry scolded him, "It's too dangerous. We have to take it to Dumbledore!"_

"_I am thusly chided. I am as the reprimanded dog, exiled and alone, tail betwixt its legs. " Ron felt strange, and was talking strange. And he was noticing how Hermione's hair flowed like a wild mountain river down the perfect landscape of her face. How the curves of her body were as the rippled leaves, swaying in the early spring breezes, lithe and delicate and yet strong enough to weather the harshest storm. "Oh, that's good. I should write that down before I forget." Ron started to wander off in search of a quill and parchment._

"_He's under the Device's control!" Hermione tried to grasp Ron's sleeve. The orb slipped out of her hands. "Harry!" _

_Hermione lost her grip on Ron, trying to retain her grasp of the pulsating globe. Harry lunged for the orb as well. Their hands met at the exact moment they both touched the Device._

"_Oh, Harry!" Hermione cried in despair. "We're in big trouble. We're going to be affected too!"_

"_We must be strong, Hermione." He gripped her to him, staring off into another direction completely. "We shall prevail over this new evil. You and I, together!"_

"_Yes, together!" Hermione stared in the same direction, gripping Harry's chest as though it were a piece of flotsam on a surging ocean. The sun settled briefly upon their shining faces, dappled sunlight crowning them both with a golden aura of righteousness._

_Neither of them noticed that Ron had completely disappeared, mumbling random phrases to himself as he went._

"_What shall we do, Harry?" Hermione searched Harry's eyes for an answer. She noticed for the first time that his eyes were a shining green, reflecting the courage that lay just under the surface. Reflecting his painful history, his devotion to his friends, to her._

"_There's only one thing for it." Harry took a breath, and stared up at the sky. "We must, Hermione. We must make sweet sweet love, down by the fire."_

"_I knew you'd know what to do." Hermione understood at once, her eyes shining with adoration. "You always know."_

* * *

At the sound of a light tapping on her door frame, Willow looked up reluctantly from her book.

"Hi, Buffy!" She patted a space beside her on the bed, inviting her best friend to join her. "I was... unh..."

"Reading, again." Buffy sat down on the bed, peeking at the cover. "How many of those are there now?"

"Oh, about 17. This one's new. It's good, but I think it's lost something since book 11. That one was awesome."

"Oh, I think I saw the movie... Harry Potter and the Order of French Fries." Buffy pouted, like a pouter. "I didn't like it. Too scary."

Willow nodded, her face ashen at the memory of the tale.

"What's up for best friend bonding time?" Buffy pulled her schoolwork from her backpack that she brought with her. "I have homework, and textbooks... and yummy Keanu in Matrix 13: Here's to you, Mr. Anderson."

"I dunno, Buffy." Willow put on the face that meant she was being thoughtful. "I've already seen it like, a bazillion times. But oh, Matrix 14: Binary Code, is coming out on video. We could go rent that if you want?"

"Nah." Buffy twirled her hair, because she was blonde and that's a normal thing for blonde's to do. "I don't wanna go out. Let's just hang out here."

"I could read to you." Willow gestured to her book. "I was getting to a really good part."

"Would you?" Buffy's face glowed with excitement. Reading wasn't really something she did, unless it came with pictures to help her understand. "That totally sounds like Best-Friend-Girl-Bonding-Fun!"

Willow grinned her Best-Friend-Girl-Bonding-Fun grin and began.

* * *

_Harry Potter raised his weary head from the floor. Making sweet, sweet love to Hermione down by the fire had been more difficult than he'd first assumed. The fireplace he'd chosen happened to be part of the Floo Network, and people kept showing up, sputtering and dusting Floo Powder all over them. That, coupled with the glares from most of Griffindor's house as they copulated in the common room, it made for a less than efficient experience. But once Hermione had put the Petrificus Totalus spell on his nether regions, they managed to make the whoopee they both knew was necessary to defeat Voldemort._

"_I am undone!" Ron's voice shattered the mood that Hermione's Silencio/Barry White combo spell had created. "My love lies with another! I am bereft, without hope! Forsooth and verily!"_

"_He's gone mad." Ginny walked in, all superior and strong. She crosses her arms at the sight of Hermione and Harry entangled together on the dragonskin rug. "As, I see, have you."_

"_Ginny!" Harry pulled Hermione's robes over his head. "Thank goodness you're here."_

"_Yes!" Hermione pulled Harry's robes over her head. "Someone has planted a Ham-Fisted Plot Device in the school, hoping to sabotage us in some way. Obviously it's gotten to Ron, because he's weak and also the comic relief, but we seem to be immune."_

"_I can see that." Ginny raised her brow. She's so awesome. "Where is it now?"_

_Hermione reached under the robes she was wearing, obviously experiencing severe discomfort. She found the device after much wrestling with herself, and handed it to Ginny._

"_That's truly disgusting." Ginny stripped a conveniently close and uncomplaining Neville down to his knickers, using his robe to wrap the pulsing purple orb before she took it. "I hope you two had protection."_

"_Oh yes." Harry beamed with pride, pulling out his wand, which had been sealed in a Ziploc bag. "See?"_

"_Bloody hell." Ginny grabbed Hermione by the wrist. "Right. First we're taking you down to see Madame Pomfrey, she'll zap his little swimmers into oblivion. Then we're going straight to Dumbledore."_

"_Oh Ginny." Harry grinned the grin of the idiotic. "You're as fiery as your ginger hair."_

"_Yes I am." Ginny glared. "Come on Ron."_

"_Henceforth." Ron followed the group, as he does, because he was silly._

* * *

"Oh my god!" Buffy squeed, cos girls did that. "That was so awesome! Like, how Harry and Hermione are together, but there's still like, a thing with Ginny and Harry? And Ron, he's SO funny!"

"Like Xander." Willow's face turned to mush. Not literally mush. It's a metaphor. "Xander's funny."

"And you guys would be so cute together!" Buffy hauled in more air for more girlish squealing. "Like Ron and Hermione! Cos of the smart and the... less smart. Oh my god!"

"I wish." Willow sulked. She had no self-esteem because she was a teenager. A girl teenager.

"You could totally get him." Buffy boosted Willow's ego. "He's a guy. You're a girl. It's totally normal that you'd go steady."

"Yeah!" Willow found a surge of false hope and clung to it. "I could totally get him."

"You could maybe even do better." Buffy tried to think, but her head was full of pretty pink cotton candy. "I know I could."

"Better than Xander?" Willow gasped, for there was no such thing in her mind. "Xander is cute and adorable and nice and he actually talks to me and then sometimes he looks at me when he wants to ask me a question like will I do his trig homework and Buffy have you seen his eyes?"

"Not up close." Buffy had a three foot rule with boys. Unless they were totally hot like that older guy in the leather jacket that brooded outside her window and sometimes took pictures when she was pretending to have forgotten to close the shade at bedtime.

"Oh boy! We should order the pizza!" Willow doesn't mention to Buffy that she'd said all that pervy stuff out loud. Buffy did that a lot. Mostly it was uncomfortable, especially in class.

"Great!" Buffy loved pizza, especially with Willow. Pizza with Willow was like talking to Willow, but with pizza. "I'll order."

"Wanna see what's on T.V.?" Willow picked up the remote. "I think Showcase has Law and Order: Yo' Mama on at seven."

"Again?" Buffy put down the phone, having ordered the very exciting pizza. "It's on all the time now."

"Not really. It's just different versions of the same show." Willow explained, because she was smart and knew things. "Like CSI: Poughkeepsie isn't the same as CSI: Canada."

"Oh." Buffy looked lost. Because she was dumb. Because she was blonde. "I just thought they travelled a lot."

"Want me to read to you until the pizza gets here?" Willow distracted her from the maze of thought.

"Yes!" Buffy made herself comfortable, lying on Willow's bed in a manner that Willow might have found sexual if she weren't a completely normal teenage girl who never ever had any kind of sexual thoughts that weren't about Xander.

"You know you just said that out loud, right?" Buffy looked at Willow with her blank, vapid green eyes.

"Look! Shiny!" Willow waved the book around in Buffy's face.

"YAY!" Buffy clapped her hands and giggles.

"Okay then." Willow flipped to the bookmark.

* * *

"_Thank you, Ginny Weasley." Professor Dumbledore wrapped the Device in a tea towel and put it behind his desk. "I've been looking for that."_

"_You mean it was you all along?" Ginny screeched, hitting her forehead with her hand in a gesture known as a 'facepalm'. "I'm surrounded by idiots!"_

"_Sadly true." Dumbledore agreed, a twinkle in his eye that was either a spark of humour or brought on by the sheer volume of Butterbeer he consumed each day. "Twenty-bajillion points to Griffindor!"_

"_But why, Professor?" Ginny gestured to Ron, Harry and Hermione, who were very seriously and diligently writing poems while sitting on the floor, and holding hands with whomever at the time they found irresistibly poetical. "Everything's a mess!"_

"_You see, my dear..." Dumbledore exclaimed, but quietly. "Each year there is a great and prestigious poetry contest in the wizarding world. Every year I come in second, behind the gibbering twaddle of Mrs. Giadora Grumpleswick. She writes about her cats, for Slytherin's sake! This year, I wanted to win."_

"_You did this for a contest?" Ginny whispered, but very loudly. "My brother is a blithering idiot! Not very different from his usual state, but still! And what about Harry? He slept with Hermione!"_

"_And Draco." Dumbledore giggled, and hiccupped. "And possibly me. I can't recall. I'm heavingly drunk, you see."_

"_Dumbledore." Ginny raised her wand. "You are a twat! Undo the spell this instant!"_

"_Again, your insights are astounding." Dumbledore pulled out the Ham Fisted Plot Device. "Eleventy points for Griffindor!"_

"_Keep that thing away from me." Ginny stepped back._

"_Patience, girl." Dumbledore waved his magic wand, and the Device turned into a lovely plate of pork sausages. He popped one in his mouth. "Hungry?"_

"_God, no." Ginny turned to the others. "Harry?"_

"_Oh bloody hell." Harry looked up at Ginny. "What have I done?"_

"_You shagged Hermione in front of everyone." Ginny began the list of Harry's crimes. "You likely shagged Draco and Dumbledore, and you've been a right tosser all day!"_

"_No, I meant this!" Harry waved the parchment in front of her face. "This poem! It's awful!"_

"_Not as bad as mine." Hermione shamefully ripped hers up. "Mine would never win the contest."_

"_I think mine's pretty good." Ron puffed up his chest. "Oh Crookshanks, thou art sweet. Your fur is always neat. I'd trade my rat, for a cat. For pussy can't be beat."_

"_Ron!" Hermione blushed red. "That's terrible!"_

"_Go on Ron." Harry laughed heartily. "Submit it to the contest. I think you've got a chance there."_

"_Maybe I will!" Ron pulled the parchment away from Hermione's grasping fingers. _

_And everyone laughed at Ron, as they should. Except for Dumbledore, who was very angry because Ron's poem was so clearly superior to his four hundred page epic Ode to Sherbet Lemon._

_The End._

_Don't wait! Harry Potter and the Blasted Sequel is on shelves NOW for only $39.99! Go out and get your copy before everyone else gets one (Please help me. Kidnapped by rabid teenage fans. Some kind of magic involved. Forced to keep writing this drivel. Someone please help! J.K.) and you're the only person who hasn't read it and won't you feel stupid. So there!_

* * *

"Huh." Buffy had a strange reaction, maybe to the pizza. "That's weird."

"What's weird?" Willow hoped it wasn't the pizza. She had eaten a lot of it.

"That last part." Buffy took the book from Willow's hand, re-reading the last paragraph. She read very slowly, and phonetically. See previous re: blonde.

"That's funny." Willow giggled. "Maybe it has something to do with the next book. Like a marketing campaign or something."

"I don't know." For just a brief tiny moment, something within Buffy stirred. An idea of a thought of an impulse to do something about the feeling in her gut that something was very, very wrong with this world.

"You think it's a typo?" Willow thought it was a typo.

"It's just..." Buffy closed her eyes. An image of a girl fluttered in front of her lids. A girl with strength and enormous responsibility, whose life had depth and meaning. A girl who grew into a woman with cares and regrets but also with resolve and understanding. "I'm feeling..."

"Oh please don't hurl on my bedspread!" Willow jumped back. "My Mom'll kill me."

"What?" Buffy opened her eyes. The image disappeared. "Oh, I'm okay."

"Why don't we watch The Matrix now?" Willow put the DVD in the player. "Keanu always relaxes you."

"Yeah." Buffy liked Keanu. He was cute and didn't make her brain hurt when he talked. When he appeared on screen, Buffy's face softened and she forgot all about whatever it was, as she pointed and said, "Pretty."

"Yes, Buffy." Willow petted Buffy's blonde hair. "Very pretty."

The two best friends sat on the bed and watched Keanu Reeves hit things. Just two normal girls with no superpowers of any kind, in the bright and cheery suburban house in Sunnydale, where nothing interesting or supernatural ever happened.

Fin


End file.
